The Blessings from Fall 2014

I would never expected what my Fall would bring forth and in turn change my perspectives and transform my heart and passion... or maybe just give me more of a direct vision for what God wants me to do. 

It was a great Fall, a lot of growth...times when I wanted to just push the pause button because I didn't want to grow and be challenged anymore.  But also a time where I sat back and asked some hard questions and had to search and listen for hard answers. 

I had fun too as I grew closer to my counseling cohort and grew to love my friends in the program.  They have become irreplaceable in my life.  We are walking through this together, figuring out so much so we can be the best versions of counselors that we can be.  Between the trainings, retreats, meetings, counseling experiences, and bonding with them amongst the studying and group projects, I didn’t sit still until after Christmas.  But each experience was enriching in its own way.

So... the most challenging part of the last few months is my wavering faith in the church.  Not in God as much....  But in the Body of Believers.  If it wasn't for my love for God and faith in what He has done for me in sending Jesus to earth as a sacrifice, I would have walked away completely.  I was hurt.  But I knew God was Bigger than me and bigger than church, esp the version of The Church I have experienced.  It was amazing just a few months before my heart was completely sold for Him and I was in the word daily and I was involved in daily bible studies and praying gave me peace.  Now I was just begging Him not to give up on me as I figure this out.  Walking into any church gave me such distaste in my mouth and so much anxiety, that it was easier to fill my schedule with other things.  This coming from the girl who never wanted to miss a Sunday, even when she was sick.   I was Broken.  No one seemed to notice.  And it was not about anyone else, this was between me and God.  Bitterness was taking root.  I followed Him, I made the right decisions, BUT yet I got hurt.  My views of people who claimed to love Jesus changed in general and I started questioning everyone who said that.  I wanted proof.  My mentor was the only one who knew my struggle deep to the core and knew these reasons along with others why I was struggling.  But my love for Jesus was still there and I was fighting for my relationship with God.  My mentor assured me it would be okay to take a break, Jesus would forgive me and for a few weeks I did take a break from church, without beating myself up.  And then slowly but surely I started making myself take those steps of growth again and started walking back into the church.  I would go and listen to the worship, listen to the words.  Not participate as much as really take in the words.  I would listen to what the Pastor was saying, letting it sink in.  Healing was slowly taking place.  I realized what was holding me back was forgiveness and I dove into the bible and let the verses of forgiveness wash over me and I meditated over the verses until they started to sink in.  I realized forgiveness was the bridge I needed to give me courage to be vulnerable and be a part of the body again.  With a full heart, I am thankful for this process, it was difficult but it was a precious time as well.  It took me off my mountain top and helped me see spiritual struggle.   As I spend this time growing in Christ and getting involved once again, I can celebrate over last year.  That experience of struggle that I am just now coming out of will help give me compassion and understanding for the clients who walk into my office with the similar struggles and I will be able to walk beside them with understanding and empathy.

Amazing Moments... Sand Tray training has begun!  Oh my goodness!  I never realized what passion was until I started the program but also I never realized the intensity of it until I discovered Sand Tray.  I even doubted this type of therapy at first, I was intrigued and open to learn and knew it would be part of Play Therapy (which has become a big focus point for me) but I didn't realize how amazing it truly is.  I signed up for levels 1 and 2; I would give it a shot.  One of my close friends from the UK trip was doing it to so I wasn't going in this alone!  Well it ended up being a group of us from Stetson which made it even more fun and then they introduced us to a world that we could not come back from.  I will not go into the intricate details of Sand Tray, which could be boring to some.  But it is great and it involves a little box, sand, and LOTS of miniatures and the box becomes the client's world.  So much happens during Sand Tray and it is a great way to process grief or trauma with individuals who cannot find words to their pain.  Sand Trays can be used for almost anything but since this is one of the areas I want to focus on, this is how I am intrigued at how it works.  I am now signed up for levels 3 and 4 this spring and we are planning training for the next levels after that.  My plans are to be certified in Sand Tray along with Play Therapy by the time I reach licensure.  I am ready to dive in and work with people.  The learning stage is so much fun but full of anticipation and impatience as well.

I have also been appointed as the Student Representative for the Central Florida Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (CFAMFT).  It took me this long but I am finally on a Board of Directors ;)  JK.  This seriously fell into my lap.  It is a two year commitment and you get voted in but they needed a temporary one to fill in Sept-Dec and I got chosen and now I am selected for the next two year slot.  It is a great experience and fun.  I love working with all the therapists and seeing the different views of the counseling world, the realness of it.  I am really blessed to have this opportunity.

Classes were amazing and so much easier stress wise than the summer session.  I learned through my evaluations class that I don't like formal evaluations all that much and I like doing my own thing so private practice is looking more and more promising in my future.  After a few years of experience first of course ;)  Group therapy was a hilarious class all the way around.  I never really envisioned me being into group therapy and also I am one that has to see it work to be a believer.  I saw it work, I am a believer.  It took a few weeks for us to go deep but once we did, during and after our retreat, work happened (We had to do group therapy as part of our class).  It was remarkable.  Also amazing was how close we grew as a unit, the more we shared the closer we got.  It was such a sweet time.  Our professor/leader was irreplaceable and she even had enough courage to challenge me week after week.  I felt like there was a bulls eye on me because each week she found a way to challenge me and I went from closing up to contradicting her and fighting back to accepting the process and allowing growth to happen.  I was amazed at how the semester progressed.  I am sure many of my friends have similar stories but I know we are leaving there stronger in our knowledge of group and how to lead one effectively.

By the time Christmas came, I was exhausted but ready to celebrate.  I am so thankful for my friends in the program and outside the program, cheering me on.  This Christmas was a sweet time of celebration as I got to celebrate with my Stetson friends at the end of the semester with a couple of parties and I got to end another year with my wonderful FASS family.  Then Christmas Eve with the Wood’s and Megan and Christmas Day with the Barton’s and Willow’s.  I send my love to SC where my family is but I am thankful God has provided with me with a beautiful Orlando family to celebrate these times since this is where I call home.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have so much to be excited about as we begin and go through 2015!  It may be the middle of January but Cheers to the New Year!

2014

2014 was such a transformable year.

It is amazing how a year can change a person.

Last January at this time, I thought I had it all figured out and everything in my life fit perfectly.  I was in graduate school, starting my second semester, still in amazement that I was smart enough to even get a master's degree.  I was comfortable, thinking I had a whole church backing me up in case I fell.  I didn't worry about the people in my life, I felt secure.  I was looking at life through my naive rose colored glasses.  I knew God was up to something but I wanted to stay in the comfortable, I was not ready to be vulnerable yet.  Then throughout the first half of the year, life happened.  I held onto God like a life preserver.  I kept turning to Him for answers, for guidance.  But I was still being met with hurt, heartbreak, rejection.  To the core, what makes me the most vulnerable.  On top of that, I am not just in a masters program, I was truly learning the intensity of the program I was in, of the career I was going into.  God was my life preserver.

I did survive the first six months with a few scars along the way.  I made some tough decisions that as hard as they were, I never doubt they were the right decisions.  I no longer had that safety net of the church that I have had, and always having my church to lean on has been a safety blanket of mine since the early days of relationship with Christ.  My trust was shaken in many of my relationships and I began to really learn how fragile friendship is.  When you have those that you can trust, laugh with, cry with, and walk through life with, cherish them.  Life is to short not to enjoy life and the people in it. 

During the first half of the year, I left the country and traveled.  For the first time I allowed myself to see outside my bubble at the ignorance people have to people with disabilities.  This isn't saying anything bad or negative about any of them.  I am ignorant about many things.  But it awakened something in me, broke my heart in a way but also lite a fire in me.  There needs to be a platform for social awareness for people with disabilites, whether that means diving into social policies or being the voice for those that can't get heard.  It is time to educate people.  I realized God has given me so many amazing opportunities that has led me to this and He has given me a voice and I can't sit back and not help.  I can't fully map out what everything looks like right now.  But 2014 has began to put together the blueprints and it started with the UK trip and the experiences I had during my travels.  I will never forget that trip and I will always be thankful for that trip because it has helped me understand what I need to do with this loud stubborn steadfast personality I have been given. 

The challenges of the first part of the year made the second half seem like a vacation.  After surviving the summer semester, I realized I could take on anything schoolwise.  However, I reached a point where I had been through the ringer.  I realized I just barely was surviving and I was not taking care of myself.  Self-care is something they push in the counseling program because when you are taking care of yourself and at your best then you can help others more fully.  I am so used to helping others and putting myself last that I forget that.  Well by the time July arrived, my migraines were out of control and my anxiety was really high.  I survived.  but not thrived.  So it was time to be proactive...  I started seeeing a massage therapist for my migraines and not only has he relieved them but he has become a good friend of mine.  He has been able to help me with my migraines, back problems, and relieve my stress AND we get each other's sarcasm...He has truly become a blessing in my life.  I also seeked out a mentor, which is suggested in the program.  I did research and he is a counselor but he is solid in his faith (but who would have guessed he had a similar personality as mine.)  Another God divine intervention.  He has helped my anxiety as we have explored the past, understood the present, talked about the future.  We can talk 'counseling' talk when a lot of my friends outside the program don't always get what I am saying or my enthusiasm behind it.  He has helped me center myself and focus so I can learn about myself and also apply what I am learning in the program in practical ways.  God used two people to start shaping the way I view things and help me see things with a clearer lens... I am becoming a healthier version of me .... if for no other reason than to admit life is messy and let's figure it out together. 

Fall semester was amazing.  I will let that be my next post because the Fall brought so many opportunities that I am amazed at how I was blessed at the opportunities given to me :-)